Two months since we transported to Miami. I was hopeful then. You know what I regret? Not pushing them to let you be more awake. I wish we could have spoken with you even while you were intubated and could not talk back. Our time was so short.

Loaded up the dogs and headed to Reimer’s in Orange Walk. Reimer’s comes to Corozal tomorrow but I hate Friday’s in town. This way I wiled away some afternoon hours, checked mail and got pet supplies without having to worry about parking. I think the dogs liked the ride. Had to laugh. I secured Bubby (Connor) just a tad short. When he tried to lie down you could tell the restraint pulled on his neck. So he sat up all the way but he was so sleepy. I watched him in the rear view mirror as he swayed with his head drooped down. Funny little baby dog.

The bus station reopened in Corozal. Now the Works Department has moved back to its original location (which we never knew) in the bus station. No more going to Ranchito!

I saw the carnival was setting up in town. Hey, remember going to the circus with Caitlin and Nutty?

There are so many things I want to share with you during the day.

While I was in the car driving I caught myself smiling. I could see myself traveling down the road with the dogs and of course, the cats (poor cats). Someday I might load up the truck and drive us all back to Texas.

Everything is breaking. The washer. The blender that you’ve babied along. Check engine or service lights on the car. You were the glue that held it all together.

Your roller blades with the Goodwill stickers still attached sit out on the porch. They were a deal too good to pass up I know. They look brand new. You brought them back from one of your trips to the States. We had gotten rid of our roller blades and ice skates for the move here. They make me laugh and cry all at once. Where were you going to skate? I understand though. They represent skating and hockey and sports. You just can’t let go of that part of your past.

Like your slant board. We got rid of it too but you replaced it soon after arriving here. I’ve moved it to the foot of the bed.

I miss you. Remember roller hockey at Sportsite?

I feel as though I’m changing. The shock is wearing off. The shock sustained me, protected me. Now I am struggling. The weight of the day drags me down. There is no vision of a future that I move toward. I am only moving away from our evolving life and plans.

How was your day? Mine? Thanks for asking. It sucked in general but it wasn’t boring. I didn’t lie around which makes the day interminable. Those are the worst.

Went running this morning. Ran into Chris, from Mayan Seaside. I wept when he asked how I was. I do o.k. until I’m asked then I can’t keep it together.

The insurance company confirmed my insurance has been terminated.  When I called associate benefits I was provided documentation that verifies my coverage is intact. I’m caught in the middle. I don’t have the energy today to do more than this.

Belize Medical Associates has not sent the detailed bill from your hospitalization. I have been unable to submit the claim for reimbursement to the insurance company. They tell me they will email me the bill “in a little while.” This is my second call to them.

Gerard came by and took the laser. Even though it was meant for him and the club I found myself resenting him. I emphasized that he can not take the trailer on the road until I can get it titled in my name and only then transfer it over to him. He couldn’t seem to get the tongue of the trailer to go onto his hitch. I could feel myself getting panicky and possessive of your stuff as he sorted through the hitches that we have. In the end I tried placing the trailer on the hitch myself and it went on just fine. Goodbye trailer. It has served us well over the years. There goes one more thing that I associate with you. You made multiple trips to upstate New York to transport all the remnants of the dome to Ohio on a little flat bed trailer. We transported the dome from the house to the building site in Marengo with it and hauled all our building supplies. It was still working for us here in Belize. Now it’s gone and so are you.

Adilio came by to check on me.  Actually, he came by to let me know his work is ending tomorrow in Mayan Seaside. He looked about the yard that has become overgrown. I followed his gaze but I said nothing. I don’t want anybody here.

As I move to get past the dogs out the back door to meet Adilio at the gate I note a stream of water is running from the washing machine toward the back door.  That’s right. The washing machine is leaking from underneath. Seriously? First order of business is to take care of the wet glob of clothing in the washer. I retrieved the table top washing machine and spinner, cleaned them up and set them up in the guest shower. We used them after we sold the house and moved into our mobile home. They got us by on the trip to Belize and they were still out in the shed.  I will have to minimize laundry though. Their capacity is very, very small.

I’ve never torn into a washing machine before but I need to identify where the leak is.

Oh, David, I have to tell. Kevin put regular gas in the Jetta (diesel). I know, right? I can just hear you! I don’t know the circumstances. He told Chris he realized the mistake before he started the engine so hopefully it will turn out well.

There were ants nesting in the shed to deal with when I got the washer out.

There was a little snake on the porch tonight. The animals found it. You would have been leaping about. Hahaha. I can just see you!

All in all I feel mentally deranged. Connor’s panting annoys me. If Tommy shakes his head once more I may have to cut it off. I’m not suicidal but if I go to sleep and don’t wake up it’s perfectly fine with me.

Remember the little patch of grass I planted out front. It has remained untouched for over two months. It was so tall I thought the weed wacker might pull it out by the roots. I cut the worst of it down. It still looks pretty rough. There’s a brown patch where the cistern overflow is located. Still, just for you babe. You wanted a little lawn. Take your shoes off and walk barefoot through the grass.

How can it be that I live while my heart is breaking for you every day. It’s a simple question.

I hate the moment when I wake in the morning and realize you do not live with me here. We used to joke about this. Who would die first. What lovers the other would then take. How flippant we were.

The view from Miami Beach, Consejo, Belize. The sea is green. The sky is blue with fluffy, white clouds. Picture postcard perfect. A nice breeze comes off the water just like you like it.