I’m watching a movie in which Hilary Swank’s husband dies. She calls his phone to listen to his voice recording. I don’t know why I haven’t thought of this before! So on my phone I call your chip from my chip….and Kay answers. You should have heard me hem and haw my way out of that when she asks me who I was trying to call. Lolololol! I was crying and lying.

9 miles. That’s what I ran (slow jog) this morning. Let’s get it straight. My definition of running is pretty much not walking, miles or kilometers per hour be damned. I haven’t run that far in years.  It was incredibly slow, as in they might close the course on me at 7 hours slow.

I remember that cross Ohio race I did. It was bike, roller blade, paddle and walk/run from Lake Erie to the Ohio River. I finished last (Well, maybe not really because those girls bailed from the damn takeout in the night. Whatever.) You were my support the entire weekend. I will always remember you napping in the car with me at the dam on the Muskingham, seeing you across the river in Zanesville and rounding a curve on the bike in southern Ohio to find you sitting and waiting for me with food and Gatorade. I felt so close to you.

Today when I ran droplets of sweat were tears for you and there were plenty. I miss you.

There’s my honey golfing. Tomorrow Eileen and Grorge are coming over to pick up the materials you hold for the Friends of the CS Golf Course. I have been irrationally teary all day about it. Every time someone comes and takes something away it is like losing a piece of you. I’m glad to get the things out of the shed but I still can’t stop crying. I will give most of our clubs to the course here. I think we have three or four sets of our own. Hey David, Louise Suggs recently died. I still have that set with her name I got from Caitlin’s grandma.
We have a zero balance at the University of Miami Hospital as of today. Your credit card balances remain unpaid. I’m just waiting. I don’t want my cash to go down to nothing and then need it. I’m worried about the QRP mandatory deposit before I file for renewal come December. (I want to continue to nag you posthumously about this.) I was concerned this would be a problem and I believe it is…for me. I worry about the coming tax bill. I took out the remainder of my small retirement account to pay the bills. It’s not enough to cover everything, credit cards and taxes but there will be taxes due because my withdrawal plus your 401K loan payout that automatically occurred when you died. No taxes were paid on that. 

Today I want to pack up the animals, load up the truck and drive home to the U.S. I have an idea that’s going to happen ultimately.  Why do I feel like such a failure when I contemplate returning home? I would not settle anywhere initially but travel around the U.S. until I found a place where I wanted to remain.

Today a realtor called from Placencia. I had to tell her that you died and our plans to build on the peninsula were no longer intact. Moving to south is another scenario I think about.

I will let Lincoln sell this house.

After a few more emails to Belize Medical Associates I finally have the invoice in the mail to United Healthcare. Not expecting any reimbursement for out of network services but maybe credit towards max out of pocket.

Printed off the forms in duplicate to take to the JP for name verification. Your name is different on the death certificate (includes middle name) than on the land certificate (uses middle initial).  For fuck’s sake!

Printed off forms in triplicate to be notarized that are to remove your verified name from the land  title after collecting photos of your passport, my passport,  every beneficiary I.D. and last but not least a zero balance tax bill. Dear David, did you ever notice that it doesn’t say a zero balance on our tax bill? Every year you came home and told me that our land tax was somehow still on the registers under Consejo Shores. That might prove to be a problem.

I wrote an email to the kids asking if they will waive their inheritance. They are considered your beneficiaries under Belize law. It doesn’t include the land that was titled jointly but extends to all property titled in your name. If they inherit it will not be duty free. That’s a little nightmare to consider. We’ll see how they respond. The attorney assured me this in no way affects future inheritance when I die. I’ll have to figure a way to minimize the impact of duty on their future inheritance if they will agree to a waiver now. I think I could just pack up all my toys and go home. I think.

I returned from town and fell into what felt like a drugged sleep. Woke up to cloudy skies and a hint of rain in the air. Tomorrow…more paperwork.

Two months since we transported to Miami. I was hopeful then. You know what I regret? Not pushing them to let you be more awake. I wish we could have spoken with you even while you were intubated and could not talk back. Our time was so short.

Loaded up the dogs and headed to Reimer’s in Orange Walk. Reimer’s comes to Corozal tomorrow but I hate Friday’s in town. This way I wiled away some afternoon hours, checked mail and got pet supplies without having to worry about parking. I think the dogs liked the ride. Had to laugh. I secured Bubby (Connor) just a tad short. When he tried to lie down you could tell the restraint pulled on his neck. So he sat up all the way but he was so sleepy. I watched him in the rear view mirror as he swayed with his head drooped down. Funny little baby dog.

The bus station reopened in Corozal. Now the Works Department has moved back to its original location (which we never knew) in the bus station. No more going to Ranchito!

I saw the carnival was setting up in town. Hey, remember going to the circus with Caitlin and Nutty?

There are so many things I want to share with you during the day.

While I was in the car driving I caught myself smiling. I could see myself traveling down the road with the dogs and of course, the cats (poor cats). Someday I might load up the truck and drive us all back to Texas.

Everything is breaking. The washer. The blender that you’ve babied along. Check engine or service lights on the car. You were the glue that held it all together.

Your roller blades with the Goodwill stickers still attached sit out on the porch. They were a deal too good to pass up I know. They look brand new. You brought them back from one of your trips to the States. We had gotten rid of our roller blades and ice skates for the move here. They make me laugh and cry all at once. Where were you going to skate? I understand though. They represent skating and hockey and sports. You just can’t let go of that part of your past.

Like your slant board. We got rid of it too but you replaced it soon after arriving here. I’ve moved it to the foot of the bed.

I miss you. Remember roller hockey at Sportsite?

I feel as though I’m changing. The shock is wearing off. The shock sustained me, protected me. Now I am struggling. The weight of the day drags me down. There is no vision of a future that I move toward. I am only moving away from our evolving life and plans.