So…what do I do when I don’t want to do anything without you or go anywhere without you or talk to almost anyone except you? That’s a tough one.

This morning his heart rate is much improved. Back down in the 70’s. He is relieved that we (Yuri and I) talked. And in above message it was thrombolytics (TPA) he was given.

Excellent tell him I love him and let me know of plan when there is one. Is he still on all the medicine or since he’s stabilized will they start weaning him off some of it until they can get him into surgery? Have they also found a course of action in regard to what type of surgery he needs?

Any developments?

No developments. I’ve been working with air transport all afternoon. Doesn’t look like he will fly out until about 8 a.m. tomorrow. His heart rate is good. His oxygenation is not as good as when I left this morning. The doctor is supposed to come in and talk to me.

Ok so does that mean too much fluid in his lungs? And what’s average oxygenation?

Good is > 90 on room air but Dad is on a mask at 100% oxygen and we’re hanging at 90-92%. When I left this a.m. It was at 99%. Going backwards.

So what could that mean? And where are u flying to?

It means his heart has taken a real hit. It’s injured and can’t pump well so fluid is collecting in his lungs. We will go into Miami. Last I heard they were close to finding a bed at Miami University Hospital. We were trying there or Mount Sinai. We won’t know much more until we can get a heart cath scheduled. Just wanting him to stay stable. Augh! Yuri, the goddamn airport closes here at 6 p.m. So that coupled with difficulty in finding an available bed is delaying the flight out.

Ok is there anything they can do in Belize to keep oxygenation up beside mask?

Dr. here now. He’s had lots of Lasix to take fluid off. They are conferring.

Ok let me know what’s the prognosis.

They are going to shoot another chest X-ray at 6 tonight. Need to see how it compares with yesterday. He’s exhausted and trying to sleep.

What did the other xray show and do they have other imaging devices like sonogram or Ct scan and would that be.

It showed pulmonary edema, fluid. Ct not appropriate. I know you are worried. Sonogram maybe but doesn’t really address problem he is having. I am on the phone with Miami transport docs. They are calling back in a minute to talk to the doctor here. Yuri, honestly in my opinion they need to intubate and place him on a vent so he doesn’t work too hard to breath. Besides when we fly we will be at altitude. But they are talking and deciding not to do it right now.

“Reeling from the shock” still describes us all, Margaret. Don’t be sorry that you didn’t come to Miami. David was kept under sedation the entire time. I am sad that he didn’t see Yuri beside him. I hope he heard his voice and that it comforted him.

I honestly, don’t know what to write. I lost the love of my life. You lost a brother. I know your heart and the hearts of your family ache for him as well. You have so many memories of him that I do not. I’m envious.

He always told me that he was living on borrowed time because of his family’s heart history. I don’t know if we truly believed it but it turned out to be prophetic.

I believe David was happy. He liked Belize. He surprised me. I always talked about traveling to different places but he turned out to be the truly adventurous one. He made our retirement here happen. He seemed to adapt to this climate and culture easily. We were beginning to talk about the possibility of even more adventures. We were just getting started. I will try to be like him, self sufficient and kind. He was always content with who he was. How many of us can say that? He was quirky, funny and very, very smart. When I get really sad I must remind myself that I had twenty one years and more with him. It has to be enough.

Thank you for the picture.  

The week we were with him at the hospital in Miami gave us time to have a sense of closure. The kids and I will lay a wreath when we scatter his ashes on the sea. There was no ceremony for you. I’m sorry for that but could not bear it and I needed to get home. Please forgive me.

Give my best to everyone. Hold him in your heart.

Dari

WTF! David! Went to get the shocks loaded into the Honda but neither of the door key locks would work. I looked up that email you sent me back in December on how to reprogram them. It was only when I inserted the key into the ignition that I discovered the battery was dead, dead, dead. I left the light switch in the on position after driving into town yesterday.  Read both vehicle manuals and a Car Talk how-to on the use of jumper cables. It took a while but it is finally running and recharging.  😕

Father’s Day.  We are up as usual. David goes to the golf course. The Sunday golfers don’t go out super early.

9:21 AM  -Happy Father’s day, Pops!

12:35 PM  Oh yeah, thanks! How are you guys doing?

-We are in Newport right now and next stop is Martha’s Vineyard.

Cool. Say hi to the Kennedys for me. Things working out on the new boat?

1:18 PM -Yea pretty swimmingly. When we get back to Panama City we will get time off and I can finish up engine swap before we head to Caribbean for winter. Woo woo

We head to lunch as usual. Once home we acknowledge we are both tired. David settles down on the couch for a nap and I am typing letters for the sailing club. Around three o’clock David literally pops up off the couch. He says nothing when I ask him but it’s obvious something is very wrong. I scream at him to tell me. He is pale, his skin cold and clammy. He is making little grunting noises and admits to left sided chest pressure. He is not nauseated. I have him chew a 5 mg. Aspirin and we jump in the car calling a doctor we know in Corozal. He will meet us at his office. I leave the back door open. 

In Corozal we stop to see the doctor who wants to send us on to  Mexico or Orange Walk or Belize City for EKG, labs and observation. The physician unsuccessfully tries to contact a colleague, a cardiologist in Belize City. We are wasting time. He gives David sublingual nitroglycerin which lessens his pain (from a 6/10 down to a 3/10 where it will remain) and monitors his blood pressure. We look at one another and the weight of our choices hangs heavily upon us. I have left our passports at home and must retrieve them if we are to make the border crossing. I’m trying to calculate how much time everything will take. The language barrier looms large in our heads but Mexico is known to have better healthcare. Is it the right choice in this emergency? We hesitate. All the while David’s heart muscle is dying.

I will never know if the outcome would have been different had we gone to Mexico and it tortures me. Instead we drive to Belize City bypassing Orange Walk Town. We stop for gas. I fly where I can but it seems to take forever. We talk. We hold hands. He is stoic. He is vulnerable. I take his pulse which becomes increasingly rapid and irregular. I tell him to hang on. I  joke that if he arrests in the car I will have to stop to administer CPR. We both know the outcome will not be good and are grim. It is nearly four and a half hours from onset before he receives thrombolytics, a medicine to dissolve the clot that is blocking the blood supply to his heart. Four and a half hours. It’s only two and a half hours from our house to Belize City. How can it have taken so much time? 

I have called Caitlin but I can’t reach Yuri by phone. I message him but get no reply. I don’t know what reception he gets onboard the boat.

7:56 PM Yuri, we are in a private hospital in Belize City. Your Dad is having a heart attack. He is stable at present, on O2, I.V. & thrombolytics. All appropriate measures. He will be stabilized and transported to the U.S. within 24 to 48 hrs. Don’t know all options yet.

I did try to call and will try again in the a.m. or if things change.

9:20 PM See? He’s alive and kicking. But seriously, he is more ill than he knows. They have lowered his heart rate, BP is stable, has fluid on his lungs (heart not working well). They have given him diuretics and he is on 100% O2

He is saturating at 99 on that now. It has improved. There is nothing for you to do right now. I am satisfied with his care here. Of course, he needs a heart cath and ?

Sometime after 9:30 PM I reach Yuri via Facebook Messenger calling. David is relieved. 

We didn’t have much paperwork left after downsizing for the move here. Thank goodness for that. I’m almost all through it. I need to talk to you about the E-diets menus you printed off, at least a hundred pages, from 2001? I get it. You didn’t want to have to pay the monthly subscription again. And you very much liked the convenience factor of the plan. But, David….!

Yuri is in Maine now. Caitlin tattoos but seems to want to be involved in urban gardening and horticulture. The dogs are a little lost. They lie around close to me all day. Their brains must be vegetating for lack of stimulation. Connor snuggles my left thigh as I write. I can’t tell if he misses you, David. Sometimes I cry looking at him. He was your buddy. I remember how you laughed when he ran like a fool throughout the house bouncing off furniture, stopping only to grab a drink of water. He sleeps on the bed every night still. The other two start off in their own beds but sometimes in the morning I wake to find all three of them cuddled beside me. The chickens are fine. Even the little ones survived.

There is a hum of a sugar barge in the distance. It’s hot and close in the house in the late afternoon.

I need to obtain a Grant of Administration.  I say I’m in no hurry, that I will take my time to decide where to go and what to do. I think about it.

David. I found the diagnostic code reader for the cars in the kitchen drawer. From the website I learned where to plug it in the Honda and I downloaded the manual. Took a reading. Lots of flashing lights. After reading the key I’m really no closer to knowing what the problems are with the Honda.

Got my hands dirty trying to unlock the kayaks from the boat trailer. Think maybe the lock was frozen. I used WD40 and then penetrating oil. Fifty sweaty minutes later after the fourth round of trying every conceivable key on three key chains the lock clicked open. I was close but I didn’t cry.

Day 16.

Maybe I should write to you in the morning when there is a fresh spin on things. By the end of the day I’m…sad.

Today the bluetooth mouse on the computer quit working from one second to the next. I plugged in a USB mouse and it’s working fine. I’m terrified that things will quit and break and stop (like you did) and I won’t know how to fix them (like I couldn’t fix you).

K. and G. invited me to lunch at their house. They are very kind, good people. Three hours into it though I felt unwell. After catching up on all the sailing club machinations, and after having to recount the events leading up to your death, my energy was sapped. Aye! David, I have to resign from the club for now. I’m out. I have no strength for it.

My beat down didn’t stop there. I drove by Dena on the way home and she informed me that one of the headlights was out in the truck. Seriously? WTF! And the service light is on in the truck, too! WHAT?! Both vehicles! Is this a test?

I came home and passed out on the couch. Depression sleeping.

I have about as much ability to structure this website as I do my life right now.

Today I turn in circles within the house and duck whenever cars or people pass.

I did two things to help myself. First, I called R. at the QRP office. I’m sure I took her by surprise when I announced that you had died. Her response seemed flustered and confused. After somewhat startled sympathies her only instruction for me was that there is nothing that I am supposed to do. The QRP status passes on to me automatically. It was a short, unsatisfactory conversation. I should have requested confirmation in writing (if I would ever get it) so that I have something to show the man at the Works Department (another story).

Secondly, I contacted an attorney. You know her. It was with trepidation that I contacted her. I know, I know! Attorneys are expensive. I’m sure that’s not different in Belize. I need help. You would take your time and do it differently. You would call or email anyone and everyone, gathering information and learning the options. Then you might handle it yourself. That’s so like you. I will do my part, drive to Belize City or Belmopan, stand in line and file things but there’s a dearth of  information, no Wikihow, “When your spouse dies and you live in Belize”. There was the Women’s Forum seminar and I reviewed those pages (that we never filled out because we thought we had plenty of time). I know your death certificate has to be filed in Belize City and I know that I need a Grant of Administration. I’ve seen the forms online. The attorney will advise me.

Oh, and yesterday I scheduled the boat take out for Thursday (which means sometime in the next week or two). I just need to make sure I know which keys operate what and take the motor alarm off when it is time. He is going to pull it out and clean it up before parking it in the driveway. Hope it goes well.