9 miles

9 miles. That’s what I ran (slow jog) this morning. Let’s get it straight. My definition of running is pretty much not walking, miles or kilometers per hour be damned. I haven’t run that far in years.  It was incredibly slow, as in they might close the course on me at 7 hours slow.

I remember that cross Ohio race I did. It was bike, roller blade, paddle and walk/run from Lake Erie to the Ohio River. I finished last (Well, maybe not really because those girls bailed from the damn takeout in the night. Whatever.) You were my support the entire weekend. I will always remember you napping in the car with me at the dam on the Muskingham, seeing you across the river in Zanesville and rounding a curve on the bike in southern Ohio to find you sitting and waiting for me with food and Gatorade. I felt so close to you.

Today when I ran droplets of sweat were tears for you and there were plenty. I miss you.

Update

 

There’s my honey golfing. Tomorrow Eileen and Grorge are coming over to pick up the materials you hold for the Friends of the CS Golf Course. I have been irrationally teary all day about it. Every time someone comes and takes something away it is like losing a piece of you. I’m glad to get the things out of the shed but I still can’t stop crying. I will give most of our clubs to the course here. I think we have three or four sets of our own. Hey David, Louise Suggs recently died. I still have that set with her name I got from Caitlin’s grandma.
imageWe have a zero balance at the University of Miami Hospital as of today. Your credit card balances remain unpaid. I’m just waiting. I don’t want my cash to go down to nothing and then need it. I’m worried about the QRP mandatory deposit before I file for renewal come December. (I want to continue to nag you posthumously about this.) I was concerned this would be a problem and I believe it is…for me. I worry about the coming tax bill. I took out the remainder of my small retirement account to pay the bills. It’s not enough to cover everything, credit cards and taxes but there will be taxes due because my withdrawal plus your 401K loan payout that automatically occurred when you died. No taxes were paid on that. 

Today I want to pack up the animals, load up the truck and drive home to the U.S. I have an idea that’s going to happen ultimately.  Why do I feel like such a failure when I contemplate returning home? I would not settle anywhere initially but travel around the U.S. until I found a place where I wanted to remain.

Today a realtor called from Placencia. I had to tell her that you died and our plans to build on the peninsula were no longer intact. Moving to south is another scenario I think about.

I will let Lincoln sell this house.

Dear David

After a few more emails to Belize Medical Associates I finally have the invoice in the mail to United Healthcare. Not expecting any reimbursement for out of network services but maybe credit towards max out of pocket.

Printed off the forms in duplicate to take to the JP for name verification. Your name is different on the death certificate (includes middle name) than on the land certificate (uses middle initial).  For fuck’s sake!

Printed off forms in triplicate to be notarized that are to remove your verified name from the land  title after collecting photos of your passport, my passport,  every beneficiary I.D. and last but not least a zero balance tax bill. Dear David, did you ever notice that it doesn’t say a zero balance on our tax bill? Every year you came home and told me that our land tax was somehow still on the registers under Consejo Shores. That might prove to be a problem.

I wrote an email to the kids asking if they will waive their inheritance. They are considered your beneficiaries under Belize law. It doesn’t include the land that was titled jointly but extends to all property titled in your name. If they inherit it will not be duty free. That’s a little nightmare to consider. We’ll see how they respond. The attorney assured me this in no way affects future inheritance when I die. I’ll have to figure a way to minimize the impact of duty on their future inheritance if they will agree to a waiver now. I think I could just pack up all my toys and go home. I think.

I returned from town and fell into what felt like a drugged sleep. Woke up to cloudy skies and a hint of rain in the air. Tomorrow…more paperwork.

Orange Walk Town

Loaded up the dogs and headed to Reimer’s in Orange Walk. Reimer’s comes to Corozal tomorrow but I hate Friday’s in town. This way I wiled away some afternoon hours, checked mail and got pet supplies without having to worry about parking. I think the dogs liked the ride. Had to laugh. I secured Bubby (Connor) just a tad short. When he tried to lie down you could tell the restraint pulled on his neck. So he sat up all the way but he was so sleepy. I watched him in the rear view mirror as he swayed with his head drooped down. Funny little baby dog.

The bus station reopened in Corozal. Now the Works Department has moved back to its original location (which we never knew) in the bus station. No more going to Ranchito!

I saw the carnival was setting up in town. Hey, remember going to the circus with Caitlin and Nutty?

There are so many things I want to share with you during the day.

While I was in the car driving I caught myself smiling. I could see myself traveling down the road with the dogs and of course, the cats (poor cats). Someday I might load up the truck and drive us all back to Texas.

 

Little things catch me.

Your roller blades with the Goodwill stickers still attached sit out on the porch. They were a deal too good to pass up I know. They look brand new. You brought them back from one of your trips to the States. We had gotten rid of our roller blades and ice skates for the move here. They make me laugh and cry all at once. Where were you going to skate? I understand though. They represent skating and hockey and sports. You just can’t let go of that part of your past.image

Like your slant board. We got rid of it too but you replaced it soon after arriving here. I’ve moved it to the foot of the bed.

imageI miss you. Remember roller hockey at Sportsite?

 

Evolving

I feel as though I’m changing. The shock is wearing off. The shock sustained me, protected me. Now I am struggling. The weight of the day drags me down. There is no vision of a future that I move toward. I am only moving away from our evolving life and plans.

A Day

How was your day? Mine? Thanks for asking. It sucked in general but it wasn’t boring. I didn’t lie around which makes the day interminable. Those are the worst.

Went running this morning. Ran into Chris, from Mayan Seaside. I wept when he asked how I was. I do o.k. until I’m asked then I can’t keep it together.

The insurance company confirmed my insurance has been terminated.  When I called associate benefits I was provided documentation that verifies my coverage is intact. I’m caught in the middle. I don’t have the energy today to do more than this.

Belize Medical Associates has not sent the detailed bill from your hospitalization. I have been unable to submit the claim for reimbursement to the insurance company. They tell me they will email me the bill “in a little while.” This is my second call to them.

Gerard came by and took the laser. Even though it was meant for him and the club I found myself resenting him. I emphasized that he can not take the trailer on the road until I can get it titled in my name and only then transfer it over to him. He couldn’t seem to get the tongue of the trailer to go onto his hitch. I could feel myself getting panicky and possessive of your stuff as he sorted through the hitches that we have. In the end I tried placing the trailer on the hitch myself and it went on just fine. Goodbye trailer. It has served us well over the years. There goes one more thing that I associate with you. You made multiple trips to upstate New York to transport all the remnants of the dome to Ohio on a little flat bed trailer. We transported the dome from the house to the building site in Marengo with it and hauled all our building supplies. It was still working for us here in Belize. Now it’s gone and so are you.

Adilio came by to check on me.  Actually, he came by to let me know his work is ending tomorrow in Mayan Seaside. He looked about the yard that has become overgrown. I followed his gaze but I said nothing. I don’t want anybody here.

As I move to get past the dogs out the back door to meet Adilio at the gate I note a stream of water is running from the washing machine toward the back door.  That’s right. The washing machine is leaking from underneath. Seriously? First order of business is to take care of the wet glob of clothing in the washer. I retrieved the table top washing machine and spinner, cleaned them up and set them up in the guest shower. We used them after we sold the house and moved into our mobile home. They got us by on the trip to Belize and they were still out in the shed.  I will have to minimize laundry though. Their capacity is very, very small.

I’ve never torn into a washing machine before but I need to identify where the leak is.

Oh, David, I have to tell. Kevin put regular gas in the Jetta (diesel). I know, right? I can just hear you! I don’t know the circumstances. He told Chris he realized the mistake before he started the engine so hopefully it will turn out well.

There were ants nesting in the shed to deal with when I got the washer out.

There was a little snake on the porch tonight. The animals found it. You would have been leaping about. Hahaha. I can just see you!

All in all I feel mentally deranged. Connor’s panting annoys me. If Tommy shakes his head once more I may have to cut it off. I’m not suicidal but if I go to sleep and don’t wake up it’s perfectly fine with me.